One of my dear friends recommended the Catholic Daily Missal to me as a way to practice daily devotionals. (Thank you!) It follows the Catholic Church's calendar, which I have come to think is really quite neat. I am now seeing the beauty of the fact that people all over the world are reading the same readings each day. And will also read those same pieces of scripture next year, and twenty years from now, etc. What a deep connection! It makes me feel a sense of joy, peace, and hope to feel connected to something so much bigger than myself. One of the readings from today really pulled at my heart strings. I don't think I have ever before put myself in the shoes of this blind man from Jericho. But today, reading this, I feel like the blind man. I long to have this man's overwhelming desire to cry out to Jesus. And not only cry out to him...but to believe that just as Jesus did not pass by this man He will not pass me by on the road either.

A reading from Luke 18:35-43

"As Jesus approached Jericho a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging, and hearing a crowd going by, he inquired what was happening. They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.” He shouted, “Jesus, Son of David, have pity on me!” The people walking in front rebuked him, telling him to be silent, but he kept calling out all the more, “Son of David, have pity on me!” Then Jesus stopped and ordered that he be brought to him; and when he came near, Jesus asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?” He replied, “Lord, please let me see.” Jesus told him, “Have sight; your faith has saved you.” He immediately received his sight and followed him, giving glory to God. When they saw this, all the people gave praise to God"

Blog merging

Hello again!

I just wanted to clear up any confusion by explaining that I uploaded my posts from a previous blog today in order to merge the blogs. So the date at the top of the entries are the actual date they were written.

Peace, Love, and Grace to you all!

Self Compassion

Posted on March 23, 2012

I am taking a class this semester called Foundations of Mindfulness.

 It has been one of the most intriguing courses I have taken throughout 

college. Currently, I am reading an article entitled The Power of 

Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. She is a professor in human development 

and culture at the University of Texas, Austin. She discusses our culture’s

 lack of self-compassion. The idea that we value compassion towards

others, but we do not extend that same compassion toward ourselves.

 She provides a few possible reasons for this lack of self-compassion. 

The main reason she provides is we believe in order to be motivated

we must be self-critical. However, she goes on to cite research showing

self-criticism is strongly linked to depression–which is clearly not a 

motivational factor. The article goes on to explain the difference between 

self-compassion and self-esteem. This is the portion of the article I 

found to be the most beneficial and eye-opening.

“Self-esteem is all about being special and above average. You subtly try to 

position yourself above other people so you can maintain your self-esteem.

But self-compassion is about shared humanity—it’s all about being average.

It’s about being a human: We have strengths and beautiful qualities, and we

have weaknesses; we succeed and we fail and it’s all part of this shared

human condition.”

The interviewer then goes on to ask Neff about the empirical benefits 

of practicing self-compassion

JM: Looking back over the last decade or so of research, what are the

findings that you think really attest to the benefits of self-compassion?

KN: Well, there’s the data supporting the fact that self-compassion has

the same mental health benefits as self-esteem: less depression, more 

optimism, greater happiness, more life satisfaction. But self-compassion 

offers the benefits without the drawbacks of self-esteem. Self- esteem is

 associated with narcissism; self-compassion isn’t. It’s self-compassion, 

not self- esteem, that predicts stability of self-worth—a type of self-worth 

that isn’t contingent on outcomes—as well as less social comparison,

less reactive anger.

No matter what one’s view on this whole idea of self-compassion, we 

cannot deny that we live in a world where people have a difficult time loving themselves. I don’t think the answer is to turn inwards and not love one

another; however, I do think at some point we have to break this pattern. 

And I believe it may need to come from a place of self-compassion. My 

what a different world we would live in if instead of putting ourselves on a 

hierarchy against other people–hoping to rank above at least a few–we

chose to see ourselves in line with all of humanity-imperfect and surprised

to be loved, saved by grace.

The Purpose of Full Attention

Posted on April 18, 2012

Hey all,

My dear friend Kelly asked me about a week ago to begin going through a book with her. It is similar to a daily devotionals book, but it is about mindful ways of living. Each day is a new story followed by ways to apply it to your day. I have absolutely loved it. It has been incredible to be centered on a way of mindfully living each day. Today’s entry really struck me, and I wanted to share it with you all. It is from The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have. I think this title is fitting, because how often are we searching for something different than what we have? believing if only we had something different THEN we would be happy. Different circumstances, different friends, different living situation, etc etc. The beautiful thing about mindfullness is it teaches you to stay present in the life you have and learning to love and grow within THIS life.

Here is the excerpt I wanted to share:

“Amost profound and helpful learning came to me when struggling with the pain of having a rib removed. For weeks I felt a corset of pain girdling each breath. But watching the winter water of a stream begin to thaw and flow, over and over, I finally saw that to make it through the pain, I had to be more like water and less like ice.

For when trees fell into the ice, the river shattered. But when large limbs fell into the flowing water, the river embraced the weight and flowed around it. The trees and winter water were teaching me that the pain was more pointed and hurtful when I was tense and solid as ice. Then, each breath was shattering. But when I could thaw the fear and tenseness I carried, the pain was more absorbed, and I could, like the thawing stream, move on–not pain-free, but no longer shattered.

It is this way with much of nature. By opening fully to our own experience, we can feel and see the resilience of life around us. Feeling our woundedness, we can learn from the hollowed stump how to root smaller greens. Feeling our sadness, we can learn from the leaves too tired to be blown along how to surrender. Feeling our tenderness, we can learn from the caterpillar how to endure the tremble that preceds the appearance of wings. But it is only by showing up, by denying nothing, that other living things reveal to us the secrets of how they manage to live. In deep counterpoint to the old saying, “An eye for an eye”, there is a deeper law that guides us to wholeness: a truth of being for a truth of being. So the purpose of full attention is to invite through personal surrender the particular example of life force in whatever is around us to show itself: a truth of being for a truth of being.

Yes, when in pain, be like flowing water. When suffering near the bottom, feed off what you can, like the brilliant ocean fish, and spit back the rest. When feeling burdened, watch small birds to see how they begin to fly. When feeling finished, watch newborn animals open their wet little eyes and imitate their innocence. Once giving full attention, you will come back–one drop at a time–into the tide of the living.”

Come Oh Kingdom Come

Posted on September 22, 2012

1

I have started a new chapter of life in Cedarburg, Wisconsin with my HUSBAND. So many changes have happened, and I have gotten completely out of blogging. However, I have felt prompted to return to share something I wrote last week. I am working as a paraprofessional with 8th grade students with special education needs. (I want to bring notice to the fact I intentionally did not say “8th grade special ed students”, because well, I think they are so much more than that. Their special education needs do not even begin to define their identity.) Last week I was in 8th grade U.S. History, and while the students were watching a video I was urged to write. I quickly jotted down what came to my mind. When I began writing I had very little idea what would come of it. The words which flowed out of my heart onto the paper were real, raw emotions. These emotions I often avoid sharing with the people around me, and even more so I avoid acknowledging to myself. This is what I wrote. After reading my own words I believe it is a Psalm of sorts.

I feel trapped in fear

There is no way out

Always there are things to fear.

I do not know a way to avoid it all

So I do not move

I cannot move.

I am paralyzed with death.

Too afraid of death to live.

Now, I know exactly when my heart was broken in the way that has produced such deep grief and sorrow. Last August one of my Young Life girls, Caroline, died in a moped accident leaving where we were spending time together. She was only 17 years old, and her death has affected me in more ways than I can begin to describe. The pain has punctured my heart deeply. Over the last year I speak of the pain occasionally, however, I have rarely admitted to anyone (even myself) the extent of the fear it has caused. Writing these painful feelings out felt as if I was able to stop shoving these feelings down; the feelings we all so badly try to pretend we do not have. So we work incredibly hard to hold our hand over the flow of it in order to make sure it does not come out of us. It brings a visual to me of someone holding their hand over a spring that just needs to gush out. The more the emotions need to flood out, the harder we work to make sure that will not happen; the harder we must press down. All of this to make sure no one will see what we actually feel. For me, writing out these words felt as if God was saying to me, “Stop working so hard, because I can handle this. I can handle your fears, your sadness, your raw emotions. You don’t need to try so hard. Let me, please.” 

As I finished writing the first part of my psalm in class I immediately I felt the urge to write again. What I wrote next felt like a personal response from God to my feelings. Yet it also had somehow become my response to my own feelings, because as I wrote I believed it. By being willing to let the realness flow out of me I was able to finally let God begin to touch a part of me I have been holding so tightly in me. And through Him touching this raw, vulnerable, real part of me, I am able to see hope in what felt hopeless. Here are the words of hope I wrote.

I will write of hope

you alone are the hope

my hope

if only i could truly hope in you

what freedom would that bring?

you can free me into joy

a joy that will bring me to life

bring the world to life

come oh freedom come

your kingdom is free

come oh kingdom come.

Sweet Caroline

Happy Halloween!

Hey Y'all! 

This weekend was Halloween in Cedarburg. On Friday the faculty at Webster was able to wear costumes to school. Some of them were incredibly creative. I seem to usually put off thinking of a costume until the night before and have to settle for something easy... so in this traditional fashion I was a soccer coach. Having a soccer coach as a husband helped me have all the clothes for that costume! And the whistle came in handy when my students wanted to sleep during class. :) It made the day so much more enjoyable having all the faculty in costumes. The social studies teacher was "Tinky Winky", the purple teletubby. The special ed teacher was Ms. Frizzle, and the art teacher was the Mad Hatter. I think it was really fun for the kids to see a more goofy side of the teachers as well. I knew trick or treating was Saturday here, so we went out and got candy for possible trick or treaters since we live in a townhouse. As the hours passed, Alex had to break it to me we were not getting any visitors. I had a hard time giving up on the idea and still today on our walk brought up the idea, "maybe yesterday wasn't the day for trick or treating after all"..... Sadly, I think Alex is right. 

I am still looking into combined Teacher Education Programs/ MAT progams. The biggest challenge for us right now is figuring out WHERE we go. Some days we want to seek adventure and take the opportunity to go somewhere completely different. And other days I feel like I want to be closer to family. We wish we had more people up here to talk with through these decisions. I am currently signed up to take the Praxis PPST in a few weeks, which is required for the education programs. I will also have to sign up to take the GRE asap for the Master's program admissions. It's feeling a bit rushed, so I am trying to not get stressed and just do what I can. I actually think being a para in 8th grade classes has really helped me in studying for the exams though. Who knew you learn so many important things in the eighth grade?! Comm Arts has been reminding me of what parallel structure is, while Pre-Algebra is reminding me of PEMDAS (the order of operations). All of those things I haven't thought about in years that will try to sneak up on me on the exam. Take THAT GRE, I'm in the eighth grade! :) 

In all seriousness, it has been a good weekend. I came down with a cold on Friday and we had to stay in rather than going to our friends' home. I think in the long run it was good I got some much needed rest, and I'm feeling about 75% now. Yesterday, Alex made Chili while I made S'mores bars. Anyone who knows me knows how much I absolutely LOVE S'mores. So, when I saw a recipe for S'mores bars I knew I needed to try them. They are DELICIOUS. 

I studied most of the day for my exams, and Alex went on a run. Speaking of Alex running... he is crazy athletic. Last weekend our dear Alex decided on a whim he felt like going for a run (mind you he had not run in MONTHS). A half hour passed, then an hour (definitely my limit), and another half hour...at this point I am getting a bit nervous about where my husband has run off to. I also am feeling quite aware that wherever he is... he is WELL out of my running range. After an hour and forty five minutes a sweaty, grinning boy walks in our townhouse and announces, "I just ran a half marathon!". There you have it folks, Alex ran 13.1 miles for fun last Saturday after ZERO training... on a whim. Man, if only we were all capable of things like that!

Today we had the first snow flakes of the Wisconsin winter season. They were brief, and very hard to see... but they were there nonetheless! It was an exciting moment, and immediately sent me into thinking about which Christmas movie I want to watch first. We went to church, which was a really great service on love. Our church is doing a series on "life together" based on Timothy Keller's book "The Meaning of Marriage". Our small group is working off of this same series, and it has been really fruitful. After Church we came home and bundled up to walk downtown to read at Alex's favorite coffee shop, Cedarburg Roastery. I finished the third book in C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia series entitled The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. There were parts in this book I felt were perfectly written. In fact, I will likely end up dedicating an entire post to some of my favorite sections of the book. 

All in all it was a weekend full of relaxation and laughter. We are looking forward to quality time with family and friends during the upcoming holiday season.

With love,

Shannon

Fall Times!

I have decided to blog to keep family and friends updated on our life here in Cedarburg. Some blog entries will be more thought provoking and others will simply be what is currently happening in our lives here. WordPress inconveniently deleted my entire post when I clicked on settings, which was infuriating. Therefore, I have switched over to Blogger in hopes of that not happening again. I digress....

This weekend: We had two of our friends up here staying with us for the weekend (James and Steph) and our dear friend Andrea drove up for the day Saturday from White Fish Bay. It was such a fun, festive fall weekend. Except the weather felt more like winter up here! 28 degrees in the mornings, but oh well! We went to a local pumpkin patch yesterday, which was incredibly enjoyable! We all carved pumpkins together, and each of our pumpkins turned out perfectly unique! Alex and I actually both ended up making designs with words. Alex wrote "Boo", which turned out incredible. Mine said, "treat". After years of my parents carving my pumpkins for me, I had never realized what an arm workout it can be. It also turns out words are harder to carve than I had anticipated. Andrea chose a pumpkin full of warts, she then made it into a traditional face pumpkin that turned out so Halloween-like! Steph made one side of hers a spider web and the other side said "LLL" for live like line. James was likely the most out of the box pumpkin carver. He made a running man being chased by an ice cream cone...
 

When our friends left this afternoon, Alex and I definitely felt an hour of 'homesickness' for family and friends. We then proceeded to watch the Packers game which did NOT HELP! What a bummer! In fairness though, it has been such a joy to be living in Wisconsin during Packers season, because people LOVE it. Sundays are often full of green and gold jerseys at the grocery store as well as our church. Good thing I was born and raised a Green Bay fan!

Now to give you more of an update of where we are at and where we are headed here...

As many of you know, I earned a degree in Social Work from Iowa. Howeverrrrrr, I did a 450 hour internship at the Crisis Center this past summer and was utterly burnt out. My heart and soul ached all the time. I could not separate the pain of the suicidal clients I spoke to for hours each day on the crisis line from my "outside of work life". It left me feeling empty and unable to pour into the other relationships in my life--including my relationship with myself as well as family and friends. This left me in a strange state of not wanting to pursue a social work related career in Wisconsin, yet having no idea what kind of job I would look for there.

Alex was offered a job in the spring at Kohler in Kohler, Wisconsin as an accountant. He accepted the job, and he moved up in June. I stayed in Iowa City and completed my social work internship until August. We got married on August 4th, went on a honeymoon to California-- San Francisco, Napa Valley, and ended our honeymoon at Alex's aunt and uncle's home on Lake Almanor. It was wonderful and too fast! We then headed from the Des Moines airport to our new home in Cedarburg, Wisconsin. Which leads us to where we are now. What a whirlwind of an August month!

I have thought for some time now I wanted to teach in some capacity, but I did not want to jump into schooling for it if I had no experience to tell me I would actually find it enjoyable. I decided to apply for jobs in the school district here and was lucky enough to land a para educator job at the middle school about four minutes from our home. It has been such a gift to do something I actually enjoy. It is challenging and frustrating at times, but the majority of the time the students make me smile and laugh more than I could have anticipated. I feel many of my gifts being used each day. I love teenagers deeply, and I think I have only realized more and more how rare that can be. This causes me to want to use this gift more and more. They utterly deserve our love and attention.

That brings us to the "now"...
Alex's job is steady and financially great, but it is not fruitful for him in the least. He has such a youthful, playful spirit, yet he has such little interaction with people. His job is solely an income for him. It brings him no sense of purpose or joy.  Gosh, this is far from what we want for him. He deserves to do something with his life that uses and nourishes the incredible spirit he has been gifted! So, we've been praying and asking God to guide him/us.

It looks like we are both at a state of unknowns! Neither of us are content with what we are currently doing, and feel the pull to do more-- to be used to our potential. I am fairly certain I want to go back to school for a teaching degree, but we have no certainty of where we want to pursue this goal. For Alex, this season of life is spent exploring the question of what his dreams are-- what brings him joy. What we know so far: his joy comes from reading and discussing theology and drinking coffee! So, who knows where that will go! Ha

Moving here, it was really important for us to find a community up here in which we were being poured into as well as pouring out. This past year has been full of grief over the loss of our dear friend. We have become entirely aware of our desire and need for friends to do life alongside. We have found a Vineyard church up here we have really begun to love. We have also joined a small group with three other young couples, which is a fun way to get to know people. You forget so quickly how much of an adventure it really is to make new friends and gain a sense of community from scratch.

During our free time we try to spend time outside whenever we can. Many times it manifests itself in a walk along the interurban bike trail behind our home or with a nice walk to one of the local coffee shops. In my free time I have also rekindled my love to craft and to write. I had two weeks up here with Alex working before I found a job and I crafted extravagantly. I've made countless paintings and random things for our home. I treasure using my creativity in this way. I have been fabulously blessed to have the time to work on any projects I want to! Admittedly, I haven't spent as much time crafting or writing as much since starting my job at the beginning of September, but I try to make time for it as much as I can.

We are currently at a coffee shop right now and Alex is lost in the ultimate adventure of The Fellowship of the Ring while I am writing to you. 

Cheers to the utterly ambiguous state our future is currently in! May our adventures be more exciting than we can begin to dream, and may we choose to step out of our "hobbit hole" and discover the world around us!

Shannon Marie